Single’s plague

It’s been five years since my last relationship. Five years and counting. Though most of the time I’m not complaining, as friends with relationships who text me in the middle of the night about boyfriend issues bother me, I found it embedded in my system to consider the no-relationship stage a perk and a privilege.

It has come to test, matters which I thought I believe in and I thought I was happy with will strike as odd and somewhat absurd.

Last month, Martin was unleashing the inner manghuhula in himself as he sets out with the prediction that my next boyfriend’s name will be Leo. I laughed it off. Leo? Wow that’s 1970s and too brusque for a name.

Boy, how heavens love to play on mortals when they permit.

I met Leo last night.

It started out that we met in cyberspace in Grindr, then we were texting. I didn’t find it odd that he might be looking for just a booty call, well. After almost a month of me playing hard to get, I finally decided to go meet him last night.

We swung by Ice Giants to buy some strawberry sundae and then drove all the way to Matina to see the Davao Baywalk. Sea, stars, a good Saturday night and bunch of youngsters playing guitars by the bay while drinking.

It was my first date after five years.

I was quite surprised with the man. He spoke well. He was very well-mannered. He was “the sensitive” and the feelings-person. We talked about movies, music, food and everything between intellectual things and mischief. He’s a funny guy and I was starting to like this man, though I don’t usually realize that on the first date.

But then again, I have to dismiss whatever minute feelings outright right there and then. It would be a travesty of logic to fall for a man who’s leaving Davao to return from his month-long vacation.

When my friend Monique asked me how the date went, I said it was fun. Cheap one liners to hide that I really regretted giving myself a chance to see what good there is to dating again only to find out that I don’t have a chance with it. Cheap one liners in reply to Leo’s text saying I enjoyed the night, half wishing there be another night or two to spend with. Cheap one liners in post-its reminding myself to focus with law school first and after that, everything will fall into place, including matters of the heart.

They say good things happen to those who wait. They say that there’s someone out there who’s right for you. They say what will come will come and you will meet it when it did. They say that.

I say to myself, well, nice try. 🙂

Seek me not

Ah, the wonders of a heartbreak. I believe that it is not love than makes men into great poets. It is the end of love that drives us to our literary gusts. Case in point, Edgar Allan Poe and Pablo Neruda. It’s a common fact that men write kilometric love letters when their heart beats for a woman. But when the heart breaks, it creates seminal novels, paintings or good music. Depression, too, can be productive.

I thought about this poem when I thought I gave up on it.

SEEK ME NOT

Hide lovely angel, take exit way
Be incarcerated in my frown of lip
And pray to Eros that he may
Seek me not and go in unkind grip

Hide its rainbow in the ray of light
Be cupped like asbestos white
Only then aerate it in my slumber
That I will embrace when no longer sober.

Hide, dead hopes, in the happy song
In dark yellow dogears, laid among
Once paged in pretty climaxed stories
That with every end, joy flees

Hide, as eternally, hide your soul
And by no means reveal it to me
For when I do, I’ll be its silly fool
I’d stay there and be its enslaved wee

So be veiled in six feet of earth
Be gone and dare not give birth
To pain, to grim, to mess and sore
Love, hide! Meet me no more.

Bulaga!

Minutes ago, in a local restaurant in Bonifacio, I saw my ex. Technically, I did not “meet” him, because I could see him from afar, and he did not notice me anyway because I looked haggard and gusgusin.

Ayun, he was still the old charm. He looked healthier, by the way, and also fair-looking. He was conversing with another person, and he looked serious. The other guy seemed straight to me. His client, perhaps. I had to hurry up eating because I did not want to see him and I was dining near the entrance area. I fled.

Two years ago, a day before the classes resume in January, we met in KFC, SM City. He was with another person and he greeted me “Mak! Happy new year!” Of course I wasn’t happy seeing him. That man who had to clutch his new boytoy just to greet me in my solitary dinner, well, it didn’t sound so happy-new-year-ish at all.

We met again sometime in the middle of the year. I think he was holding his credit card, as he was shopping, or whatever card that was. I always had the “bulaga” feeling whenever we meet. It’s as if the God has always intended it to be shocking on my part, like what just happened tonight where I didn’t even bother to look in the mirror before going out. So unglamorous.

Amongst Filipinos, there is a belief that the moment a couple breaks up, it becomes a competition. We ask the question – who will move on first? And usually, the yardstick of moving on, as far as I have observed, is when the other half finds another boyfriend or girlfriend. Kung wala ka pang syota, talo ka.

If we follow that line of thinking, I already lost the game. Five years have passed and I’m still single. The other guy? Well, he had plenty after me. I have seen his facebook status change like the phases of the moon – single, in a relationship, and back and forth. Minsan pa nga, engaged or married. Ewan.

I don’t mind losing a game of Filipino idiosyncrasy at all. If they say I’m a loser, okay I can deal with that. He may get another dozen boyfriends and I can still remain single for a century, but that doesn’t mean I still have not moved on, or he has moved on. Don’t ask me why I’m still single, that’s the topic of another blog post. LOL.

But sincerely, I’m happy for him. He looked happier than before. I must say he’d gone a long way. I think he got promoted and moved to Manila, but now he’s in Davao again. He deserves the best.

As for me, I’m happy with being alone. I have been in a relationship with myself for 22 years, and I still have not figured this relationship out entirely. If I’m really ready for something else, I had to be secure with who I am.

But please Lord, next time naman, wag masyadong pa-shocking ha? So that when I meet my ex again, he’d think I’ve never been happier ever since him. 🙂

Missing joy rides

I can’t seem to write anything decently exciting. It comes with age, maybe.

When I was a bit younger, sparkle sprawl around my blog posts. College days. Those were the days – random flirtations, alcohol and nicotine on a school night, and everything morally-depraved. I was living my teenage dream. I was having my joy ride.

Next thing, law school happened. When I was studying legal ethics last year, my perspective changed. There are a lot of restrictions that come from being a member of the bar. Good moral character is not just a condition sine qua non, it is a continuing requirement.

It dawned to me, the teenage joy ride has already come to a halt. It’s time to be a grown-up.

But do not expect too much. Change does not happen overnight. I will get there someday. Compare a mango that ripens in the nature’s ways and the one chemically induced. The former tastes better than the latter. Corollarily, when I grow up, I don’t want to regret that I came there too early.

I still long for a night-out where I could sip a drink and dance with friends, or some discreet one night stand. I didn’t say growing up means doing away with every trace of fun. It is normal to take a breather and unwind after a long week. There is but a limitation, it should all be in moderation.

For now, I am quite contended with just having coffee or dinner and sharing a laugh. Anent maturity, life’s joys should be simpler and less complicated. As Jessie J says, it is not about price tag. Or as JoJo puts it, we don’t have to go nowhere (baby it’s you).

This should be fun, for now – waiting for law school to change me and reaping the sown later on. Let’s see. 🙂

Rage against the dying of the light

Ahh, death and all his friends. They come by so soon when all the fun of life has just begun. I am not going to write about death, trauma and moving on. But I recalled a poem that reminds us to fight it everyday and choose life. Like the day, foretelling in the rising of the moon, we should rage against the dying of the light. What beauty, this poem is. 🙂

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Ang Ulan ug ang Imong Pagbalik

Nakahinumdum kaayo ko sa mga panganod
Saputon ang gapanlugnot
Gapangitngit sa kalangitan
Tun-hay sa pagpasamot sa kasub-anan
Morag akong paghibi nga hilom
Dili madala ug hapuwap sa istorya
Dili matambalan ug maski unsa.

Nakahinumdum kaayo ko sa kilat
Mura’g imong paningka
Nga lupig pa’g panagpa’g panipa
Sama sa abtik nga lagaraw nga
Mihiwa sa ining kasing-kasing
Dili na mabuak pa sa taman.
Dili na mahigugma kon dili man ikaw.

Nakahinumdum kaayo ko sa dalugdog
Sama sa kakusog sa akong
Pagbasol nga harus ngadto sa langit
Apan walay na’y makasaba pa sa
Sulod ning dughan ko
Dili na mahilom sa pag bakho
Dili na makalimot sa dalit mong pagbiya.

Nakahinumdum kaayo ko sa ulan
Abi ko gani sila akong mga luha
Hinay usa, dayon mukusog sa pagtulo
Samtang gidawat mo ang payong ug mibiya
Milakaw ilawun sa gamayng panganod, kilat ug dalugdog
Nga milimpyo sa tanang sugilanon nato.

Kon gani mubalik pa ka,
Balik na samtang abri pa ang pwertahan.

Dali, sulod samtang hinay pa ang ulan.

Hiatus

I am absenting myself in school today. Whatever, absences. Whatever, plus points for perfect attendance. Whatever, world.

I just don’t care. May I stopped caring.

But I’m not quitting yet. Not just yet.

I am just allowing myself some leeway to withdraw from severe desensitization at school. No pressure, no worries. These are like the breaks when you have to pee or puke in the sink after long hours of wrestling with alcohol. I have to break free a little bit and be carefree for once.

I read from a bar topnotcher once that law school is a wounding experience. I have to allow myself to recover. Give myself a quick hiatus.

I will return. I will be more. Soon.

But I need this now. 🙂

Updates 101

There’s not much about me lately. A law student’s life is utterly boring, except for the daily harshness of the rigors of the academe. There are those who are gifted with the talent of juggling work life, love life and academe life, I on the other hand isn’t lucky enough to get those three except the last. I know I know, it’s boring and pasty, but it needs a little getting used to.

*********************

Valentine’s day was fine. Okay, it was so-so. I received flowers from Nor and Naiza, law school friends. It was a rainy night so I have to go home early. I watched Glee’s latest episode after drying up, then Cham texted to invite me to a group date at Coco’s South Bistro with Brian, Shajani, Tateen and Tine. We ordered so much we can’t push all the things we ordered to our tummy. Ending? Take out boxes. The rest of the night was spent watching a Thai movie “Crazy little thing called love” in my bed.

*********************

Love life? Let me rate it from zero to negative infinity. I do have a crush, yes, but the chances of even a little reciprocation is nearer to never. I allowed a friend to tell a crush about my feelings, but alas, things just got even awkward. Strict policy starting now, no more telling about feelings, lest I want to be creepy.

*********************

My family just recently acquired a fish pond in Punta Biao. Mama’s been putting down of our savings to start with the investment. She phones me about the price of feeds, maintenance, down to employee relations. Papa has to stay offshore almost everyday after office hours to take a look at the site. And recently we also had to cancel the family trip to Cebu to give way to this. So whenever I run out of money for school and living expenses, there’s always that holding back to ask too much. I understand it has to be that hard now since things are a little bit shaky. I do hope the recovery of investment will make it all worthwhile.

*********************

I am thinking about closing down my Twitter account. It’s been causing me too much of a distraction. I end up staying a little bit more than I have intended for a single night. Sometimes it’s a time-wasting device that deprives me of the much needed hours for studying and sleeping. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy socializing with people I wouldn’t even talk to in real life but would love to tweet with. It’s just that, I have different priorities now, especially that Finals week is just days away.

*********************

Today is my midterms examination for Negotiable Instruments. Last week I had to catch up on doing typing jobs and digesting cases while studying for another exam (Social Legislation). Why? I have to do a reviewer, which I promised myself as a personal devotion. My Nego teacher, during her law school days, has always been an angel with making notes and digests of almost everything under the sun. It occurred to me, that if the tradition of making notes stopped with her, then it’s just a dead tradition of leeching notes. And the law, as they say, is a dynamic creature, we students need to be updated with the latest jurisprudence and enactments. Coming up with a 37-paged notes wasn’t a breeze. Nevertheless it gave me a lot of blessings. Good karma begets good karma. I received a lot of thank-you’s from my classmates. I’m also confident with the upcoming exams, as I treaded down on every full text to make sure I don’t miss anything in my notes. Whenever I’m typing, I also try to memorize what I write. It’s a total time-saver. Students should try making their own notes, too. 🙂

Asawa ni Jose

As a child who grew up in the suburbs, my mother always told me tales of where she grew up — in the mountains where drinking water were not delivered by pipes but by children clutching gallons to and fro the river and where afternoons are spent drying copras while the cycadas hum in the distance. They were not well-off so she had to strive at school so much as to land herself a college education, and to her luck she did. She also impregnated my mind of tales of lolo and lola feedings the guerillas, and of her gone old days where all the children, her including, had to tend to the farm in the early morn before getting dressed for school. I could not imagine with what industry my mother’s family had gone through, but this poem I wrote years ago could fill up the void of the things my then-young mind was not able to comprehend.

ASAWA NI JOSE
Sunday, September 28th, 2008
Dagmay, Sun Star Davao

Gabi’t ang kulisap lamang ang tanging
Umiikot sa lamparang nagngingingas sa tabi ng baul.
Hinipan ko ang alab nito’t
Napawi ang ilaw sa apat ng sulok nitong kwarto.
Tanging ang ilaw ng buwan ang sumisilip
Mula sa mga butas ng kawayang dingding.
Gabi’t ang at ingay ng hilik mo ang tanging
Pumupuno sa dampang tahanan ng ating pag-ibig.
Bumangon sa saglit at sinilip ang kuna ni Nena
Gutom pala kung kaya’t nag-iiyak.
Tahan anak, narito na ako.
Tahan anak, ‘di ka pababayaan ng nanay.
Nang mabusog na ang iyong bunso,
Inilapat muli sa kuna’t binihisan ang basang lampin.
Sinilip ko ang mga anghel nating nasa
Ilalim ng kulambong tadtad sa butas at sulsi.
Ang laki na pala ng mga anak mo
Balang araw, aalis rin sila dito’t magkakapamilya.
Gabi’t gutom ng bukas ang iniisip sa uli’t uli
Ang tangi ko lang hiling ay umangat.
Gabi’t madilim na nga ang atin, asawa ko
Gaano kaya ang sa mga supling natin?
Gabi’t walang katiyakan ang buhay sa bukirin
Makikita pa kaya nila ang liwanag ng umaga?

*also found at http://dagmay.kom.ph/2008/09/28/asawa-ni-jose/

Repost: Bye bye, baby

Bye bye, baby
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 01:17:00 05/05/2009

I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t grunt in protest or ask why. I just said yes, and nodded even though I meant no. And I couldn’t get off the wooden chair because I felt so heavy with disappointment and shame. After that discussion over dinner, the term adult never looked as vague to me. I thought it wasn’t real, just a cute accessory that looked like gold but was fake or the robe the emperor thought he was wearing when in fact he was naked.

Recently, my parents rejected my plan to work in Manila. I wouldn’t survive it, they predicted. I was devastated.

Here’s the thing. I have always been good with goodbyes. I move on very easily after I lose a phone, and it is not because I don’t realize its value but because I know that I gave a stranger an advanced Christmas gift. When a loved one leaves for foreign shores, I know that he would be better off there. Or when I drop a coin, I just think about how it will travel around the country or land in the hands of somebody who needs it badly. I have this positive outlook on goodbyes, but I guess I didn’t acquire it genetically.

Whenever I think of kindergarten, I am reminded of the birds. Our teacher told the story after siesta time when the other kids were still feeling sleepy. I didn’t know for what purpose she told it, but I am sure it made a lot of sense to me.

She told us that birds make good parents. They build nests for their young, feed them every day, and protect them from predators. But there is one thing grown-ups don’t do for their young and that is to teach them how to fly. They don’t teach their young how to flap their wings or glide in the air. In fact, biologists tell us that some parents simply push their chicks out of their nest so that they will learn how to fly. It’s nature’s way of saying that learning does not always have to be vicarious. Those young birds will have to learn flying the hard way.

Today I am 20, a fresh graduate from college, and unemployed. I still live with my parents in our rural home. Our family is not well-off so working is the next step for me.

It came as a shock to me when my parents said they wanted me to stay in town. It looks like a good idea—if I can find my first job here. I will have free meals, a privilege I didn’t have when I lived in the city and went to the university. I will get free rides, even though I don’t really mind commuting. I will have free board and lodging, too. So staying is a very practical move.

But it doesn’t seem to be much of a challenge to me. I soon found myself thinking about how boring it would be to wake up each morning to the sound of cocks crowing and see the same old neighborhood when I walk out of our gate. Soon, I will be sleeping all day long during weekends and whine that our hometown doesn’t have a movie house. My mom will still be washing my clothes and ironing them, afraid that I might burn all my shirts on the ironing board. In the long run, I will die from feeling bad about not being a responsible adult.

Here’s what I want to do: I want to burn eggs in the pan, dislike the taste of my coffee after putting too much sugar into it, and make a few chrysanthemums in the backyard wilt. I want to do things so badly that I would be determined to learn how to cook, to make a good coffee or do some gardening. I want to destroy a shirt on the ironing board. I want to burn one, two, or three, until I learn to slide the iron well.

But I wouldn’t be able to fend for myself if I stay in town. I want to make things right by knowing what is wrong. I want to commit mistakes and learn from them, not by having somebody lay down the moral of every story. I want to answer the quiz first before I learn the concepts.

I do well with goodbyes, but being independent is not the kind of goodbye that is easy to say. In the case of parting with my parents, it would mean leaving my comfort zone—the lovely home that nurtured me well and gave me the best of everything. Nobody will be waking up baby in the morning so he can eat a ready-made breakfast; I’d have to make one myself. Nobody is looking out for baby while he is at play; I’d have to manage my own affairs. Nobody is feeding baby the right formula; I’d be responsible for putting food on my table. Nobody’s chewing for baby before he swallows the food because you see, baby has to be a man.

I appreciate the effort of my parents to make things easy for me, but I think I wouldn’t be able to appreciate adulthood if I don’t see its face. I cannot afford to learn the basics when I’m already 40, which would be a great pity. There’s no better time than now for me to start acting like an adult.

Harsh and risky as it may sound, I think it’s time my parents pushed me out of the nest. Perhaps I will fall the first time and get some limbs broken and bruised. The second time, I might still struggle to stay in the air. But after that, who knows, I might be able to complete my first flight to the next tree. I will fall sooner or later, so that I can rise up again and fly. Learning to fly alone is worth the risk.

see link at http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20090505-203112/Bye-bye-baby